Psychology Today | 4 Ways We Disrupt the Cycle of Generosity

How we ask for help — or how we respond to it — can make all the difference.

Master Your Success, a Psychology Today Blog by Wayne Baker, Ph.D.

Would you give your COVID vaccination appointment to a stranger? That’s what one person did in Austin, Texas. According to a story in the national press (here and here), Emily Johnson, a 68-year-old grandmother, faced open-heart surgery and needed to be vaccinated before the operation. Despite considerable effort, she wasn’t able to get an appointment. She posted her dilemma on the online platform Nextdoor. Christy Lewis, a stranger who lived in the area, offered her appointment to Johnson. Lewis was high-risk herself but felt that Johnson’s need was greater. They went to the clinic together. After explaining their situation to the supervisor, both received the vaccine.

If this story made you feel good, it’s because witnessing prosocial acts produces a warm glow. If the story inspired you to help others, it’s because witnessing prosocial acts increases the motivation to do so. Similarly, gratitude for help motivates paying it forward. Helping others enhances meaning in life and contributes to the well-being of givers and receivers.

All of these emotions fuel the giving-receiving cycle that is central to the functioning of human communities. Indeed, archeologist Richard Leakey considered the “honored network” of reciprocity—when our ancestors learned to share skills and food—to be what made us human.

Yet, sometimes we disrupt the cycle by how we ask for help or how we respond to offers of help. When we do so, people stop helping us.

Based on years of working with managers, executives, scientists, engineers, business students, and more, I’ve observed four ways that people impede the giving-receiving process—as well as how to avoid them…

Forbes posts Leadership Strategy article "A Smart 5-Step Strategy To Ask For Help"

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Carmine Gallo Senior Contributor for Forbes dives into the topic of asking for help in the time of a pandemic and why this topic is so important now to leaders.

“I think there is good reason to believe that people will want to help others now more than ever,” Baker says. 

The article offers a look at the five-step strategy, the SMART way to ask for help. 

Nurse Marketing | The Business of Nursing Podcast | Wayne Baker

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Wayne discusses obstacles that healthcare workers face in overcoming the fear of asking for help and compassion fatigue with host and registered nurse, Amelia Roberts.

“Asking is a habit which means it’s something that can be learned. And it's learned by education and practice, the education part is to realize what commonly makes us reluctant to ask, like, we think no one can help, or that we're going to appear to be incompetent, or we want to just rely on ourselves anyway, to realize that if you can overcome those barriers, then you can be more productive, more efficient and less likely to suffer burnout.” -  Dr. Wayne Baker

Leader to Leader, Published Paper "THE LEADER’S CHS ROLE: CHIEF HELP SEEKER"

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Abstract

This article explains the importance of leaders asking for help, which can be difficult for leaders. Various research is cited, including from the author's book All You Have to Do Is Ask , and from related academic studies. Four reasons in particular are examined in detail for why it can be difficult to ask for help: The Sage Syndrome, Fear of Looking Foolish, No One Can Help, and Not Knowing How to Make an Effective Request. Within the latter, Effective requests follow SMART criteria, though my definition of key elements are different from the conventional definition of SMART. In particular, S is for specific. M is for meaningful. A is action‐oriented. R means realistic. T means time bound. In addition, five ways to be the Chief Help Seeker are outlined: 1. Be a Giver‐Requester. 2. Start at the Top. 3. Build Your Brain Trust. 4. Tap Your Dormant Ties. 5. Use Your Technology Megaphone. Many technologies can be tapped to generate a culture of asking for, giving, and receiving help; such as videoconferencing, messaging apps like Yammer or Chatter, and customized collaboration technology platforms such as Givitas, one that I helped to develop based on the principles in the book.

Beyond 6 Seconds Podcast with Wayne Baker

On this episode, you will hearCarolyn Kiel interview Dr. Wayne Baker about the following:

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  • How his research led him to realize that the main obstacle that prevents people from getting the help they need, is their willingness (or unwillingness) to ask for help

  • The importance of asking for what you need to developing your career and finding success in your life

  • Some examples of how he has asked for help

  • The importance of maintaining human connection in the time of COVID-19

Virtual Group Presentation - Is it Really Better to Give than Receive? UM Positive Links Speaker Series with Wayne Baker

Michigan Ross Thought In Action,
Presented by The Center for Positive Organizations

Watch the live streamed recording of Dr. Wayne Baker, Faculty Director of the Center for Positive Organizations at University of Michigan, and author of the book ‘All You Have to Do Is Ask.’

Dr. Baker presented this series virtually through the University of Michigan studio as a response to early COVID-19 pandemic preparedness and safety.

About the talk

The greatest barrier to generosity isn’t that people are unwilling or unable to help, but that people don’t ask for what they need. Requests drive the giving-receiving cycle. Drawing on his new book, All You Have To Do Is Ask, Baker describes the four asking-giving styles, how to assess your style, how to overcome the obstacles to asking, how to make effective requests, and how to figure out who to ask. He will present several tools that individuals, teams, and organizations use to create a robust culture of workplace generosity. In-person attendees will have the opportunity to use the tools in real time.

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Psychology Today 'Essential Reads' Column: Meaningful Connections in a Virtual Meeting During Social Distancing

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How to Connect Meaningfully in a Virtual Meeting

10 guidelines to promote meaningful connections in a time of social distancing

Belonging is a fundamental human need. From infancy, we are driven to connect. Connections with others are vital for our mental and physical health and wellbeing. That’s why—in a time of social distancing—it’s more important now than ever before to connect meaningfully in a virtual meeting or gathering.

What is a meaningful connection? It’s an interaction in which we feel accepted, understood, and supported. We feel heard and cared for. We have a sense of belonging. An interaction that engenders these feelings is what my colleague Jane Dutton calls a “high-quality connection.”

A meaningful connection is a “human moment.” Harvard psychiatrist Edward Hallowell coined this term, saying that a human moment requires two ingredients: physical co-presence and focused attention. The first ingredient is not possible when we are socially distancing. Is it possible to create virtual human moments?


Asking Up, Why Is It So Hard? The James Altucher Show With Wayne Baker & Adam Grant

Why It's CRUCIAL To Learn How to Ask & Negotiate: I Talk to University of Michigan Professor Wayne Baker & Wharton Professor Adam Grant on How to Create More Opportunities & Make More Money

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We're all scared to ask for certain things: a raise, permission to work from home, more vacation time, seed money, an introduction, whatever. You know what it is for you. So I invited Wayne Baker, author of All You Have to Do Is Ask: How to Master the Most Important Skill for Success" and Adam Grant, esteemed Wharton professor and best-selling author of "Originals: How Non-Conformists Move the World" to come on and share which tactics are best for motivating people, negotiating, asking for difficult things and more. 

 

Harvard Business Review, IdeaCast: The Art of Asking for (and Getting) Help, with Wayne Baker

Alison Beard of HBR IDEACast, Harvard Business Review, interviews Wayne Baker

The Art of Asking for (and Getting) Help

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Are you a overly generous giver? What is an overly generous giver? In this interview Wayne outlines different types of givers and helpers, such as help seeking- autonomous vs dependent. Baker also describes the importance of two main ideas of how to being generous and help people, freely.

The two discuss the difference in a willingness to ask for help across several demographics, including junior vs senior levels or leaders, men vs women, and across cultures and ages.

Beard questions Baker on proven methods in asking for help when you don’t know exactly what you need or who to ask for it. Later Baker outlines the acronym SMART and how to make a “SMART” request.

They discuss cross-collaboration workshops and how to roll them out in your team.