Psychology Today | 4 Ways We Disrupt the Cycle of Generosity

How we ask for help — or how we respond to it — can make all the difference.

Master Your Success, a Psychology Today Blog by Wayne Baker, Ph.D.

Would you give your COVID vaccination appointment to a stranger? That’s what one person did in Austin, Texas. According to a story in the national press (here and here), Emily Johnson, a 68-year-old grandmother, faced open-heart surgery and needed to be vaccinated before the operation. Despite considerable effort, she wasn’t able to get an appointment. She posted her dilemma on the online platform Nextdoor. Christy Lewis, a stranger who lived in the area, offered her appointment to Johnson. Lewis was high-risk herself but felt that Johnson’s need was greater. They went to the clinic together. After explaining their situation to the supervisor, both received the vaccine.

If this story made you feel good, it’s because witnessing prosocial acts produces a warm glow. If the story inspired you to help others, it’s because witnessing prosocial acts increases the motivation to do so. Similarly, gratitude for help motivates paying it forward. Helping others enhances meaning in life and contributes to the well-being of givers and receivers.

All of these emotions fuel the giving-receiving cycle that is central to the functioning of human communities. Indeed, archeologist Richard Leakey considered the “honored network” of reciprocity—when our ancestors learned to share skills and food—to be what made us human.

Yet, sometimes we disrupt the cycle by how we ask for help or how we respond to offers of help. When we do so, people stop helping us.

Based on years of working with managers, executives, scientists, engineers, business students, and more, I’ve observed four ways that people impede the giving-receiving process—as well as how to avoid them…

Forbes posts Leadership Strategy article "A Smart 5-Step Strategy To Ask For Help"

forbes-logo.png

Carmine Gallo Senior Contributor for Forbes dives into the topic of asking for help in the time of a pandemic and why this topic is so important now to leaders.

“I think there is good reason to believe that people will want to help others now more than ever,” Baker says. 

The article offers a look at the five-step strategy, the SMART way to ask for help. 

The Evolved Caveman Apple Podcast | The Biggest Barrier to Success - Being Afraid to Ask

TheEvolvedCavemanPodcast_WayneBaker.png

“Over the past 15 years, Wayne Baker has taught me one of the most important lessons of my career. The biggest barrier to generosity (and success) is not that others are unwilling to give but that we are afraid to ask.” Adam Grant, NY Times bestselling author.

Often, the most powerful ideas are the simplest. Find out how you can begin to master the one tool that stands between you and success: the ability to ask for what you need to succeed and be happy. 

The Man Box culture teaches the value of self-reliance. 85% of Americans agree that “I would rather depend on myself than others.” But, as always, you can take things too far. If you don’t ask for advice, you may miss out on valuable opportunities. Failure to seek early treatment for depression and/or anxiety prolongs the length of the issue. And trying to do it all can lead to stress and burnout. 

Discover what keeps you from asking for what you need and how to get better at this invaluable skill.

ExecuNet Master Class Session - 'How to Connect Meaningfully in the Virtual World Meetings, Job Searches, and More'

ExecuNet_MasterClass_Series_ConnectingInTheAgeOfVirtualWorkplaces.jpeg

Many situations can be overwhelming, frustrating, or stressful, and yet almost all can be resolved simply by reaching out to a colleague, friend, acquaintance, or wider network and making an ask.

Further, connections with others are vital for our mental and physical health and wellbeing. That’s why—in a time of social distancing—it’s important to be able to connect meaningfully with others in a virtual world.

Asking for help makes us better and less frustrated at our jobs. It helps us find new opportunities, new jobs, and new talent. Yet, we rarely give ourselves permission to ask. The sudden shift to virtual-only interactions has exacerbated this problem.

Luckily, the research shows that asking and getting what we need is much easier than we think, even in a suddenly virtual world—as long as we know what to do and how to do it.

In this ExecuNet Master Class session, Wayne Baker, author of All You Have to Do is Ask, highlights the learnings from his book and shares a few of the tools—used at companies like Google, GM, and IDEO—that individuals, teams, and leaders can use to make asking for help a personal and organizational habit, with an emphasis on how to use these tools in a virtual world. Topics include:

  • Obstacles to asking for what you need and how to overcome them

  • Methods for figuring out what you need

  • SMART criteria for making an ask

  • Tapping the full potential of your network

  • Crowdsourcing with technology, such as Givitas and other tools that allow people to tap into the giving power of a network.

  • Practical recommendations to make meaningful connections


Nurse Marketing | The Business of Nursing Podcast | Wayne Baker

Nurse+Marketing+The+Business+of+Nursing+.png

Wayne discusses obstacles that healthcare workers face in overcoming the fear of asking for help and compassion fatigue with host and registered nurse, Amelia Roberts.

“Asking is a habit which means it’s something that can be learned. And it's learned by education and practice, the education part is to realize what commonly makes us reluctant to ask, like, we think no one can help, or that we're going to appear to be incompetent, or we want to just rely on ourselves anyway, to realize that if you can overcome those barriers, then you can be more productive, more efficient and less likely to suffer burnout.” -  Dr. Wayne Baker

Leader to Leader, Published Paper "THE LEADER’S CHS ROLE: CHIEF HELP SEEKER"

LeaderToLeader_PublishedPaper.jpg

Abstract

This article explains the importance of leaders asking for help, which can be difficult for leaders. Various research is cited, including from the author's book All You Have to Do Is Ask , and from related academic studies. Four reasons in particular are examined in detail for why it can be difficult to ask for help: The Sage Syndrome, Fear of Looking Foolish, No One Can Help, and Not Knowing How to Make an Effective Request. Within the latter, Effective requests follow SMART criteria, though my definition of key elements are different from the conventional definition of SMART. In particular, S is for specific. M is for meaningful. A is action‐oriented. R means realistic. T means time bound. In addition, five ways to be the Chief Help Seeker are outlined: 1. Be a Giver‐Requester. 2. Start at the Top. 3. Build Your Brain Trust. 4. Tap Your Dormant Ties. 5. Use Your Technology Megaphone. Many technologies can be tapped to generate a culture of asking for, giving, and receiving help; such as videoconferencing, messaging apps like Yammer or Chatter, and customized collaboration technology platforms such as Givitas, one that I helped to develop based on the principles in the book.

Beyond 6 Seconds Podcast with Wayne Baker

On this episode, you will hearCarolyn Kiel interview Dr. Wayne Baker about the following:

Beyond6SecondsPodcast.png

  • How his research led him to realize that the main obstacle that prevents people from getting the help they need, is their willingness (or unwillingness) to ask for help

  • The importance of asking for what you need to developing your career and finding success in your life

  • Some examples of how he has asked for help

  • The importance of maintaining human connection in the time of COVID-19

Virtual Group Presentation - Is it Really Better to Give than Receive? UM Positive Links Speaker Series with Wayne Baker

Michigan Ross Thought In Action,
Presented by The Center for Positive Organizations

Watch the live streamed recording of Dr. Wayne Baker, Faculty Director of the Center for Positive Organizations at University of Michigan, and author of the book ‘All You Have to Do Is Ask.’

Dr. Baker presented this series virtually through the University of Michigan studio as a response to early COVID-19 pandemic preparedness and safety.

About the talk

The greatest barrier to generosity isn’t that people are unwilling or unable to help, but that people don’t ask for what they need. Requests drive the giving-receiving cycle. Drawing on his new book, All You Have To Do Is Ask, Baker describes the four asking-giving styles, how to assess your style, how to overcome the obstacles to asking, how to make effective requests, and how to figure out who to ask. He will present several tools that individuals, teams, and organizations use to create a robust culture of workplace generosity. In-person attendees will have the opportunity to use the tools in real time.

pos-links_social_baker.png

i4cp Webinar - How to Connect Meaningfully in a Virtual Meeting

 
i4CP_Logo.png

The in the Post COVID business world, connecting meaningfully in a web-based meeting is more important than ever. “The research shows that asking—and getting—what we need is much easier than we think, even in a suddenly virtual world.” This COVID-19 Business Response webinar examines a few of the tools that can aid in connecting meaningfully in a virtual meeting:

  • SMART criteria for making an ask

  • Team Tools that work virtually, face-to-face, or in a hybrid environment

  • Crowdsourcing with technology, such as Givitas and other tools that allow people to tap into the giving power of a network.

  • Practical recommendations to make meaningful connections during virtual meetings

Asking Up, Why Is It So Hard? The James Altucher Show With Wayne Baker & Adam Grant

Why It's CRUCIAL To Learn How to Ask & Negotiate: I Talk to University of Michigan Professor Wayne Baker & Wharton Professor Adam Grant on How to Create More Opportunities & Make More Money

TheScienceBehindAsking_TheJamesAltucherShow.png

We're all scared to ask for certain things: a raise, permission to work from home, more vacation time, seed money, an introduction, whatever. You know what it is for you. So I invited Wayne Baker, author of All You Have to Do Is Ask: How to Master the Most Important Skill for Success" and Adam Grant, esteemed Wharton professor and best-selling author of "Originals: How Non-Conformists Move the World" to come on and share which tactics are best for motivating people, negotiating, asking for difficult things and more.