Psychology Today | 4 Ways We Disrupt the Cycle of Generosity

How we ask for help — or how we respond to it — can make all the difference.

Master Your Success, a Psychology Today Blog by Wayne Baker, Ph.D.

Would you give your COVID vaccination appointment to a stranger? That’s what one person did in Austin, Texas. According to a story in the national press (here and here), Emily Johnson, a 68-year-old grandmother, faced open-heart surgery and needed to be vaccinated before the operation. Despite considerable effort, she wasn’t able to get an appointment. She posted her dilemma on the online platform Nextdoor. Christy Lewis, a stranger who lived in the area, offered her appointment to Johnson. Lewis was high-risk herself but felt that Johnson’s need was greater. They went to the clinic together. After explaining their situation to the supervisor, both received the vaccine.

If this story made you feel good, it’s because witnessing prosocial acts produces a warm glow. If the story inspired you to help others, it’s because witnessing prosocial acts increases the motivation to do so. Similarly, gratitude for help motivates paying it forward. Helping others enhances meaning in life and contributes to the well-being of givers and receivers.

All of these emotions fuel the giving-receiving cycle that is central to the functioning of human communities. Indeed, archeologist Richard Leakey considered the “honored network” of reciprocity—when our ancestors learned to share skills and food—to be what made us human.

Yet, sometimes we disrupt the cycle by how we ask for help or how we respond to offers of help. When we do so, people stop helping us.

Based on years of working with managers, executives, scientists, engineers, business students, and more, I’ve observed four ways that people impede the giving-receiving process—as well as how to avoid them…

Forbes posts Leadership Strategy article "A Smart 5-Step Strategy To Ask For Help"

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Carmine Gallo Senior Contributor for Forbes dives into the topic of asking for help in the time of a pandemic and why this topic is so important now to leaders.

“I think there is good reason to believe that people will want to help others now more than ever,” Baker says. 

The article offers a look at the five-step strategy, the SMART way to ask for help. 

ExecuNet Master Class Session - 'How to Connect Meaningfully in the Virtual World Meetings, Job Searches, and More'

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Many situations can be overwhelming, frustrating, or stressful, and yet almost all can be resolved simply by reaching out to a colleague, friend, acquaintance, or wider network and making an ask.

Further, connections with others are vital for our mental and physical health and wellbeing. That’s why—in a time of social distancing—it’s important to be able to connect meaningfully with others in a virtual world.

Asking for help makes us better and less frustrated at our jobs. It helps us find new opportunities, new jobs, and new talent. Yet, we rarely give ourselves permission to ask. The sudden shift to virtual-only interactions has exacerbated this problem.

Luckily, the research shows that asking and getting what we need is much easier than we think, even in a suddenly virtual world—as long as we know what to do and how to do it.

In this ExecuNet Master Class session, Wayne Baker, author of All You Have to Do is Ask, highlights the learnings from his book and shares a few of the tools—used at companies like Google, GM, and IDEO—that individuals, teams, and leaders can use to make asking for help a personal and organizational habit, with an emphasis on how to use these tools in a virtual world. Topics include:

  • Obstacles to asking for what you need and how to overcome them

  • Methods for figuring out what you need

  • SMART criteria for making an ask

  • Tapping the full potential of your network

  • Crowdsourcing with technology, such as Givitas and other tools that allow people to tap into the giving power of a network.

  • Practical recommendations to make meaningful connections


Leader to Leader, Published Paper "THE LEADER’S CHS ROLE: CHIEF HELP SEEKER"

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Abstract

This article explains the importance of leaders asking for help, which can be difficult for leaders. Various research is cited, including from the author's book All You Have to Do Is Ask , and from related academic studies. Four reasons in particular are examined in detail for why it can be difficult to ask for help: The Sage Syndrome, Fear of Looking Foolish, No One Can Help, and Not Knowing How to Make an Effective Request. Within the latter, Effective requests follow SMART criteria, though my definition of key elements are different from the conventional definition of SMART. In particular, S is for specific. M is for meaningful. A is action‐oriented. R means realistic. T means time bound. In addition, five ways to be the Chief Help Seeker are outlined: 1. Be a Giver‐Requester. 2. Start at the Top. 3. Build Your Brain Trust. 4. Tap Your Dormant Ties. 5. Use Your Technology Megaphone. Many technologies can be tapped to generate a culture of asking for, giving, and receiving help; such as videoconferencing, messaging apps like Yammer or Chatter, and customized collaboration technology platforms such as Givitas, one that I helped to develop based on the principles in the book.

Beyond 6 Seconds Podcast with Wayne Baker

On this episode, you will hearCarolyn Kiel interview Dr. Wayne Baker about the following:

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  • How his research led him to realize that the main obstacle that prevents people from getting the help they need, is their willingness (or unwillingness) to ask for help

  • The importance of asking for what you need to developing your career and finding success in your life

  • Some examples of how he has asked for help

  • The importance of maintaining human connection in the time of COVID-19

Virtual Group Presentation - Is it Really Better to Give than Receive? UM Positive Links Speaker Series with Wayne Baker

Michigan Ross Thought In Action,
Presented by The Center for Positive Organizations

Watch the live streamed recording of Dr. Wayne Baker, Faculty Director of the Center for Positive Organizations at University of Michigan, and author of the book ‘All You Have to Do Is Ask.’

Dr. Baker presented this series virtually through the University of Michigan studio as a response to early COVID-19 pandemic preparedness and safety.

About the talk

The greatest barrier to generosity isn’t that people are unwilling or unable to help, but that people don’t ask for what they need. Requests drive the giving-receiving cycle. Drawing on his new book, All You Have To Do Is Ask, Baker describes the four asking-giving styles, how to assess your style, how to overcome the obstacles to asking, how to make effective requests, and how to figure out who to ask. He will present several tools that individuals, teams, and organizations use to create a robust culture of workplace generosity. In-person attendees will have the opportunity to use the tools in real time.

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i4cp Webinar - How to Connect Meaningfully in a Virtual Meeting

 
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The in the Post COVID business world, connecting meaningfully in a web-based meeting is more important than ever. “The research shows that asking—and getting—what we need is much easier than we think, even in a suddenly virtual world.” This COVID-19 Business Response webinar examines a few of the tools that can aid in connecting meaningfully in a virtual meeting:

  • SMART criteria for making an ask

  • Team Tools that work virtually, face-to-face, or in a hybrid environment

  • Crowdsourcing with technology, such as Givitas and other tools that allow people to tap into the giving power of a network.

  • Practical recommendations to make meaningful connections during virtual meetings

Harvard Business Review, IdeaCast: The Art of Asking for (and Getting) Help, with Wayne Baker

Alison Beard of HBR IDEACast, Harvard Business Review, interviews Wayne Baker

The Art of Asking for (and Getting) Help

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Are you a overly generous giver? What is an overly generous giver? In this interview Wayne outlines different types of givers and helpers, such as help seeking- autonomous vs dependent. Baker also describes the importance of two main ideas of how to being generous and help people, freely.

The two discuss the difference in a willingness to ask for help across several demographics, including junior vs senior levels or leaders, men vs women, and across cultures and ages.

Beard questions Baker on proven methods in asking for help when you don’t know exactly what you need or who to ask for it. Later Baker outlines the acronym SMART and how to make a “SMART” request.

They discuss cross-collaboration workshops and how to roll them out in your team.